Good Luck Exploring The Infinite Abyss

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 19:11:20 GMT

I realized something scary recently...

I can't remember the last time I was happy. Like not just comftorubl, but truly happy. I've been depressed for so long now, that when something good does happen, like the birth of my nephew, I feel nothing. If I do feel better, for some reason I remind my self that I'll be going home to an empty apatment, and tbat Im 23 and still in college, getting a degree that won't pay shit.

Sometimes, I think about just running away, cutting everyone out of my life compeletly. Not for my benefit, but for theirs.

Ethan not having me as in uncle would be better then having one who's an empty shell of a person.

This is probably all bullshit, me just venting because I feel the need to get attention. Im pathetic...and people should avoid me.

update

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 08:45:51 GMT

Haven't posted in a while. Life is pretty shitty right now. Living by myself, with on friends around is no fun. I work, and sleep, and that's it.

I just got a 2nd job working for Verizon selling phones and plans. It should be easy and decent money.

Im starting to think the past 4 years of my life have academically been a huge waste of time. I don't make enough money to support my self working at a TV Station, and with the way technology is taking over their, my future job opportunities are bleak.

My hours are going to be cut from 27.5, to under 20 at the end of june. thank god I have a 2nd job, or I'd be screwed compeletly.

maybe I'll just drop out, move to portland, and find fulltime work somewhere. Do construction or something....I dono...Im just overtired, and not feeling very optimistic.

welp...time to put the news on.

um...yeah.

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 03:11:09 GMT

I need to get drunk more often

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 04:31:09 GMT

two posts in one night???? WOW

little leap setup

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 03:33:43 GMT

wow...I've spent too much time at work lately.
every call I get at microdye I need to log, and each call has a brief subject header. just out of pure habit, I felt compelled to write in "little leaps setup" as the header to this journal.
I've spent way to much time at microdyne.

I feel like the planets are aligning in my favor right now.
Today, I had to go to skowhegan for few. I needed to get some cash from the parents for books. On my way back up here, I stopped at my college to get books. As soon as I pulled into campus, I got a phone call from Bill Devine, who sets up post college jobs, and internships. He told me 2 of my teachers had recommended me for a position at WABI-TV 5! Needless to say, I was instantly interested. Any opportunity to work in the television field Im going to take. I have in interview tomorrow. my fingers are crosses, and have been since I left his office. Literally....well figurativly...but I'll cross them now...

ok it's hard to type with crossed fingers.

Im lookin forward to 5 of my 6 classes. I have the sweetest little old lady teaching my philosophy. and by sweetest I mean in the nice since not the "sweet dude, extra cheese" since. She's from India, and knows a lot of history.

My photography class is a strong early favorite for best class of the semester.
The only class Im not looking forward to is the announcing and production II class. It's gonna be boring, and the teacher is a dull country music dj. My announcing and production 1 teacher was an ass, and was pompass, but he was entertaning. This guy is gonna put me to sleep.

wow...I've rambled long enough here. Here's to a strong spring semester! Here's to keeping in touch with good friends who take the time to read these, and are kind enough to comment on them!

first week update

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 04:20:56 GMT

I've offically realized that a social life is not in the cards this semester.
I have class every day at 9, and then work till 9 at night.
...who picked this schedule...

oh...wait..it was me..whoops

maybe it won't be that bad...but I've been straight out every day this week so far. And Im already tired.
Hopefully I'll get to keep my sundays off from work, so I can head home whenever I want.

Im not complaning though. I think a busy schedule is good for me. Last semester was crazy, and it was my best semester by far. I was forced to do projects ahead of time because of work, and it looks like this semester is gonna be the same.

I think If I play my cards right, a 4.0 is not out of the question!

Let's Go Red Sox!

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 03:03:39 GMT

Right now Im watching "Faith Rewarded: The Story Of the 2004 Boston Red Sox" and I gotta say...I miss baseball. I love the Patroits and I hope they win the Super Bowl in 2 weeks, but my heart will always be with the Sox. They'll always be my team. Baseball will always be my favorite sport.

I really miss baseball. I love how complex a game it really is. I love the stratgey involved in every single at bat, every single pitch, every decision is carefully planned.

I stopped watching the Sox in Mid-August last summer after they dropped 5 games to the Yankees. I feel like I've been without baseball forever now. Im ready for it. Lets Play Ball!

semester

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 04:21:28 GMT

got my grades.....

A in Announcing and Production
A in Sociology
A- in TV Studio Production
A- in Marketing
B+ in Video 2

I never thought a B+ would upset me...but it kind of does.
I thought I worked my ass off in that class and deserved an A.

I have the same professor next semster for 2 classes, Im gonna prove to him I can work in this buisness.

woke up on the wrong side of the bed

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:39:01 GMT

this is the best, and worst time of year.

I've been more homesick this semster then any other...and I only live 60 miles away.

I despise my job, and the fact that I have to stay up here away from my family because of it really pisses me off.

I've missed out on a lot because of work in the past few years...and this year is looking no different.

So, now, for the next month. I have to sit in this fucking house by myself. Going to work, and work alone.

I've taken so many calls from people who have been screwed over by leapfrog this christmas season. I've lost all hope that a big buisness can do anything good for anyone.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 21:53:25 GMT

my semester is OVER!

What did I learn this semester???

Wayyyyy to much to put here..

I did learn that I enjoy television a lot. Not just waching it, even though I am a huge fan, but the art behind it.
I've created some work that Im not at all happy with this semster, and that's because I feel I can always do better. I've gained a lot of confidence in my abilities. And thats satisfying.

But man, did this semster fly by. It seems like just a few weeks ago I was sitting in my TV studio class scared and feeling overwhelmed. Now, I can do anything in their I want.

I was part of my schools very first live to tape broadcast of a husson football game.
I recently participated in what has become a tradition at my school, "sessions at one college circle"

I loved every part of this semester. As stressed out as I was, and as sick of attending classes, It was by far the best I've had yet.

Next semester seems just as promising. I've taking 4 tv classes, a creative writng course, and ethics. It should be a good time.

AND as long as I do as well as I have been doing, I'll have an internship this summer in Bangor at channel 7! WO HOO!

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 07:14:06 GMT

I miss summer.
I miss being warm.
someone come install a heater in my room.

I came home the other day and my pillow was frozen to my window. It was quite disapointing

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 13:29:04 GMT

never drinking beer again...EVER

I love going to bed sober, and waking up with a hangover.
It's really the best.

Im offically 28 minutes late to work...thanks beer.

Our "break" is over. We're offically broken up.

weekend catchup

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 03:53:21 GMT

It's been a quiet, but good weekend. I wish I would have been more social, but oh well.

Friday I finally got drunk. Rum and coke was my friend again, and it was good. I went to my friends place in DTAV and just watched movies and talked about stupid shit like football and music. It was really good. I enjoy relaxed nights.

Saturday I was suppose to film a video at my place, but the frigging talent canceled on me 20 minutes after I got everything setup.

As I was sitting down to sulk about the wasted opportunity to shoot a really good video, I got a call from my pops. He wanted me to go to Skowhegan so he could look at my car.

My car had a small problem with the heater. It didn't work.

So I drove to skowvegas, and went to my uncles to work on the car with my dad and uncle. It fun to hangout with my dad in situations like that. We have similar personalities Im realizing. I spent half the time trying to make him laugh at my uncles expense. haha it was great.

The only downfall to my visit home was that my mother was in Bangor at the time shopping, and I didn't get to see her. I actually didn't even go to my parents house at all, which ment I didn't get to see my cats (It's ok...laugh it up).

Today has been good to. I watched a horrible pats game, screwed around with my roomate, and got a good chunk of my christmas shopping done.

Oh yeah! this is my last week of actual classes. I'll offically be on academic break in two weeks.

My country addiction is still alive and kicking. It's strange. I use to hate this stuff. My parents made me listen to it as a kid, and I would complain. Now I actively listen to it myself.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 04:44:29 GMT

im addicted to country music...ouch

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 16:10:53 GMT

Im broke...it sucks

I broke a string on my guitar, and I can't afford to replace it right now. lol
I had to choose between not shaving and having a guitar.

frigging facial hair

thanksgiving was good. my sisters house no longer feels like my house, which is good.

Pats game was AMAZING. what sloppy football, but it was fun to watch...except the whole seeing a guys arm break very badly on live tv. and then seeing the slow-motion replay. disgusting

good guys deserve a break every now and then

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 04:51:11 GMT

sunday is the best day of the week.
especially sundays like today.

Went home and watched the Pats kick the crap out of the packers with my pops, then after that was done played cribbage with my grandparents.

This weekend in general was good.

not too exciting, but relaxing and full of good company.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Turkeys are amazing birds. Who knew something so ugly could taste so good?

Im offically taking a break from beer until further notice.
I can't drink it anymore. It makes me sick.

In a night, I can have maybe 4 beers if Im lucky, and then Im done. I cant stomach anymore of it. On saturday I drank rum and cokes all night, and had no problem.

I enjoy drunkeness, and beer isant cutting it. It's the Captins turn.

randomness on an emotional night

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 03:09:16 GMT

i tend to keep strong emotions bottled up.
but for some reason, every now and then, something will bring those strong emotions out of me.

it's sounds dumb...but I watched adam sandler's click, and it's caused quite the reaction.

The basic moral of the movie is that whatever you do, family comes first.

I guess right now I feel like I've sort of taken my family for granted.
I haven't been a good son to my parents, or a good brother to my sister.

And now I feel like any attempt will be too little to late...

I feel so alone...I have a few friends up here, but no one I feel comftorbul talking about my problems with. I feel like if I start going on, they'll either be bored or feel uncomfortabul.

I don't talk about myself...ever. I've had too many experiances in the past where I start to share, then the person turns it around to be something about themselves...

What really pisses me off, is that I know myself. I wrote all this down, and right now I feel like I want to make a change. But won't. I'll continue with my life just the way it is.
Probably end up alone, and miserable. With no one to blame but myself.

don't read. it's wicked reetaahhhhhded.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 15:57:59 GMT

I've been having very memorable dreams latley...and they've all been really depressing. Dreams filled with death and missed opportunities.

I don't know why, but I feel like Im surronded by death right now. It's been about a year since my grandfather passed away, I don't know if subconsciously Im think about that, or what...but its wierd...

maybe Im just at that age where Im starting to figure out what I believe, and what I think truly happens after you die. What's really been scaring the crap out of me is, what if it's nothing. You just stop existing all togher.

I know I don't belive in a god in the traditional ways most people believe in one. I do believe someone had to create everything, but to what exten their are responsible for what is around now, I do not know. I think they set the stage, and then let whatever elements they through together run their course.

I don't believe this god is watching over us and making sure we are being decent people, and making things better or worse for us. I do not believe "god works in mysterious ways." If their is one, Im sure it's pissed about all the organized religions.

I don't think their is a heaven. I don't think their is a hell. But I do believe I will see my grandfather and my aunt and everyone else I'll eventually lose in my life at some point. I guess that is a heaven in some ways...I dono

Religion pisses me off. We're monkeys who have evloved too much. That's it.
I say we go back to the trees!

fuck

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 02:42:05 GMT

I need to let my landlord know by November 3rd if I want to live here again next semester...FUCK

I don't know what I want to do yet. I've been keeping my eye open for apartpments in bangor...but I still haven't seen much.

these people are fucking crazy...I have to be quiet every night after 9 supposedly...my roomates are as antisocial as a person can be...and this place is a ways from my schoo.

At the same time...Im kind of setteled in here. Im use to the distance to my school. I enjoy being close to my friends at UMO...and Im not far from Microdyne...which is conveinent because I only have to go their directly from school one day a week, and I don't have to go back to bangor after....

who knows what Im gonna do. I need a beer and a smoke to think this one over.

suprised...in a good way

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 01:43:33 GMT

I was just thinking about this last weekend...and it was amazing.
The concert was awesome. I got a very positive vibe from the city of boston, despite the traffice issues, and I had a good time at the game, despite being exhausted.

Looking back, the best part of the weekend was the game. Hands down, no competition at all.
Students, people who barley know what they are doing filmed a college football game.

This wasn't just a few guys walkin around with palm corders setup on tripods. We had 6 full on professional panasonic cameras and many microphones all connected to a live truck. It took over 30 people to put this show on, and it came out awesome.

It just made me realize that I made the right decision transfering. despite how I still feel about UMO, I never would have done that their. I would never have gotten the hands on experiacne Im getting now.

I want to work for ESPN or CBS someday putting live sporting events on TV.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 15:40:38 GMT

the good: Im going to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in Boston tonight!!!

the bad: I have to come back tonight to be at my school by 8:30 tomorrow morning.

the ugly: I had a deam last night that I was swimming in a pool with a huge, ugly, boar. He was friendly, but it was wierd. At one point in the dream, I realized how rediclous that was, and got out of the pool, but the boar started to squeal, so I stayed with him until he got out of the pool.

what the fuck????

Where did this come from? Does this have any deeper meaning?

My grandfather did give me some bacon from one of his pigs the last time I was home, and it was delicious...maybe I'm feeling guilty subconsciously.

Probably putting way too much thought into this.

the last kiss

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 18:21:47 GMT

the last kiss soundtrack...listen to it.

I seem to find a new song from this CD I love every day.

my current favorite is fiona apple - paper bag

blah

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 11:31:08 GMT

Im having a hard time feeling any type of emotion. I feel so numb to everything around me and I don't know why...I've been casually reading up on depression, and I have most if not all the symptoms...but who knows...It might be one of those situations where I want to believe that I am depressed, and I see myself in every symptom because I want to see myself in every symptom, when it's actually something compeletly different.

I have a doctors appointment next month, I'll talk to my doctor then.

recently I've been feeling like I'm wasting my time at NESCOM. I've compared it to UMO since day one, and it's never even held a candle. I feel like I gave it an honest effort, and found out, one year and $24,000 later, I don't like it as much as the school I was in before.

time to start another pointless day.

The Eagles

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 14:16:47 GMT

my dad grew up on a farm. He spent his entire childhood working. Milking cows, haying fields, cleaning out pig pens, etc. The whole time he was doing this he had a radio on. Because of this my dad has a very expansive taste in music. His favorite band as a kid, and still to this day is The Eagles.

I think I know why. I've always been a causal fan myself. Like anybody, what my parents listened to when I was growing up influenced what I like to listen to now.

Recently my iTunes has been playing the Eagles' songs I have in my collection a lot more frequently. Everysong is so different from the next. It sounds like a different band almost.

anyway...why the hell am I devoting a whole post about the Eagles? because one of the songs I herd on my playlist is amazing and everyone needs to here it.

Eagles - Try And Love Again

I herd this song for the first time a month ago, and it's already one of my favorite songs of all time. Listen to it. now.

go download it.

what are you waiting for?

GO!

motivation

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 16:14:58 GMT

why do I have a hard time getting motivated to do pratically everything? man...right now I was about to take a shower, but I got sidetracked with this stupid computer. I think I have add...I need some medication. or maybe Im just lazy. i don't know...

but this happens to me all the time. a lot of times I dred doing simple everyday things. I have no idea why. maybe instead of medication I need a lot of therapy. who knows...

Im gonna go TRY and get my day started. lets hope it works out.